I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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