You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
