you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
