Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize