why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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