Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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