If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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