Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
