U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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