Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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