I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
