I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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