I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
