and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
