Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
