She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
