that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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