winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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