Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
