My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
