I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
