dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
