Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
