Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
