Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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