May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
