nut hugger
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We need to rekindle our bromance
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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