Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
