I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
