I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Houston, we have a squirter
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
