A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
