i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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