he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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