How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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