I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
