Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
