So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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