I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
