Got a toothbrush?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
