I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Randomize
