Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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