haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
