I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
