They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
