Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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