how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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