On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
