I need to stop coming to work sober
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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