Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Randomize
