I could make wine with my vomit
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
