Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
