my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
