i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
