my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
