just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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