I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
